Who am I?

In the sudden epic movement of time,where stillness is somewhere at night,when everyone is fast asleep.

"Where is happiness?"

Manic week!

I can feel the pressure of the HT KAB 2015!It was a year ago that I was a only an ajk.But now,I was heading the decorations for the stage!I don't believe it.Time flies so fast.And if it was last year that I applied for the mmk,this year I would not be.

I still remember how I felt about an MMK. It never occured to me that I would have less sleep in a day,stressed,feeling out of place.But I don't have that feelings anymore.I want to be a normal student back.I remember Pui Lan telling me that being an mmk was going to be so stressful.I don't remember chatting or being close to any of my seniors.I just applied.I think the reason I got the post was because it has been years since an Indian applied for an MMK post.

I am glad that I don't have any partner also.I am glad that I was able to make any decisions without consulting another person.The next batch would be different though,very different.I can imagine myself just watching the scene of the next batch going for meetings,deciding on something,getting to know one another.I can replay the whole episode in my head because I went through all of that.Many surprising and frightening outcomes too!( People quitting their posts,a new student as the chairman,etc...)

And as for me,I can't wait to be a normal student without any post and enjoy more debate competitions and go back home more often!Oh how,I miss home.

I still remember Tuesday.Camelia wanted to see me but I somehow knew that it was regarding my faith in Christ.

This is what I learnt:

1.Try to have your quiet time
2.Try reading the bible though it can be so hard to understand the hidden meanings
3.Try your best to come to church every Sunday.
4.Rely on God-you know you will be burnt out just figuring everything on your own.You need God's power to help you go through.

Thank God for his ever-loving trait that helps you go through the day!

TGIF

It's Fridayyyyyyy!Yeah man,plus no debate class.I wonder how many times Mr Sasi would be cancelling the class.So anyway,I was so positive that I was going to get the money for the activity that would be held on Sunday.

I remember crying today.I remember the responds from the office-how sarcastic they were.At 3 when I went again to the office,there was a solution-Encik Raizol gave his RM400 and I used my own RM200.Tadaaa!Program settled.So we went to the town of Tanjung Malim and bought all the  items!Yayaaaaaaa!Finally

And at night,I went for youth fellowship!It was a pot bless.What I remember the most was the awesome fellowship and just talking to Camellia.She said she must see me next week for a lunch reunion kinda thing.Something surprising-SHE APPLIED FOR ISEP!Oh Wow.That is just so deep man.There were so many things playing on my head-What about Grace Youth Fellowship?What about the youths?Am I able to commit for church in sem5?

It's that moment-the capacity where I can't take it anymore.
Went to the office with hopes that I can get the money,but when I went there,there were just looks on their faces.Do I look like I care?

Broke down.am still breaking.

Broken

And today,was the worst of all.I can actually feel my body breaking,the stress,the pressure.Have I done my best?The programme will be on SUNDAY!I can't help but to feel rejected at some points in life,I can't help but to feel how bad a leader I am.Maybe being  follower is easy.I chose the harder path.


Oh Lord,heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds.I seem completely normal outside,I have to be normal to everyone and it breaks my heart God,that deep inside I am completely bruised.Maybe I shouldn't be such a hero sometimes.

Oh lord,just heal me.

It's time I start on a everyday journal kinda thing to keep my memories alive whenever I read my journal!

This whole week seemed a bit hectic.Probably because my programme is on Sunday and they are still unfinished workload that the committee members are still working on.Class was cancelled today so yeah I went to the clinic to get my cough medicine and only when I was about to reach the bus station,I remembered my fungal infection on my face!Oh man,that was kinda disappointing.

I met Maddie on the bus and we talked all the way from the new campus to the old campus.She told me that she and the rest would be heading to Langkawi this weekend.They will leave on Thursday night.Kinda missing them though,it's been a week since I last met them.I kinda miss the private kinda getaway from the rest of the students.International students had a block to themselves!Only the first floor is filled with students.The rest of the floors are just vacant.It's creepy sometimes but oh well,I think they are already used to it.

My mind was buzzing with a lot of racial issues.Like,why are there so  many cliques of the same race in this university?It's probably the language barrier and of course the different cultural circumstances.Sad sometimes.Even I have to admit that sometimes I prefer hanging out with Indians than Chinese and Malays just because everybody was doing so.It's really kinda annoying sometimes.

The best friend.

I don't know how I could be able to remember what aunty Christine told me last night.I remember feeling tipsy after drinking 3 glasses of beer,my first time ever trying beer.

Anyway what she told me left me quite perturbed.She told how she and uncle Daniel were best friends for 5 years,and he is still her best friend.Of course,she added that there were things about him that is still annoying to her.There were things that Sarah didn't about her,unlike uncle Daniel.

She told how they were best friends and during that 5 years,she knew the friendship was something more than just best friends.So,she broke the relationship.When she broke the relationship,he sent her flowers,and chocolates and everything nice,Even when she broke up with him,she was still jealous that other guys managed to weave their way to uncle Daniel.She knew at that time,that she really liked him too.

They have been married for 25 years now,and he is still her best friend.She told me that for each individual,their paths of meeting varies.I agreed.There were some who fell in love at first sight,they were some who became best friends first(like hers),and there were others who fell in love through arranged marriages.

"It comes in the least expected moment.Don't search for it,you would never find it.It would come unexpectedly."

Many times,I wanted to get a picture of the guy I would marry someday.That was so impossible,I am just desperate,you know it.

And for now,I am just going to not think about finding a guy,I am probably still incapable of that.

Keep calm,follow the flow

I've learnt something new-Just keep calm.Sometimes it is best to keep quiet than to simply spurt out whatever that comes to your mind.

Remembering you

In this past few days of trying to remember the incidents that happened,replaying it all the time.I also think it's because of your bizarre personality that always kept me wondering-Who were you actually?

Some of the things that I could remember vividly in my head were how we started to make fun of each other.I remember the things you inviting me with a bunch of Malay boys who were going for a swim.That was just weird.I remember your face best of all,how your eyes were your best features-how lazy they were,how you had a very mischievous face-especially your sly smile that could make any girl fall for it.Yes,I was one of them.

The worst of it all was the syrup,I remember making it too thick without any sugar and you drank it!OMG,that was totally not cool!

I thought I heard people say that you were very naive.But through numerous observations,I knew that you were much more matured that what people think of you.You were 23,2 years older than me.Never that I thought that you were older.

I remember feeling awkward around you and that was why I started avoiding you,but then you said hi.And then you wished me good luck before I gave my speech.And then I could see you from the corner of my eye,watching me so intently I was even more scared than normal to talk!

And then,on the first day of class I was hoping to see you and you appeared!Oh gosh,I remember catching your gaze,I wished I could look left all the way but that would be weird.So I turned right and there you were,staring at me!I felt the numbness in my body,how my heart was racing,and when I waved at you,you looked straight into my eye,I remember catching your gaze until Hasma came and so I waved at him too.And then,I think we both felt awkward so you decided to joke around which I knew wasn't as natural as the previous jokes you said earlier.

Help!

Somehow,these past few days have been uncomfortable for me.Stalking and staring at you.I wonder whether you even noticed.Observing you become kind of a habit for me already,and I really would like to break this habit.It ain't cool and I am just feeling desperate,maybe.Desperate for a guy.It sucks you know,when you are just finding and searching and suddenly this guy appears.

Well,technically he didn't appear.I just happened to NOT notice him before this.But I guess the perimeter become smaller,and I found myself always near him.Eventually,I started to like him.

I have got no idea on what to do right now,but I do hope that these feelings would eventually fade off.