At times,the only thing I would wonder to myself whenever I see you...

"Why do you hate me so much?"

Ok,maybe I am just assuming.
But it feels so weird,every time you stare at me
Like I am an alien or something.
Why oh why?

Farewell,friend.

Today,time passed by really fast especially when we were all having a good time.

But I knew today would end fast.

Just before you go,I wanna tell you something.

Thank you for being a dear friend to me,
teaching me how to drive(when I was such a lousy driver)

I cannot imagine being so close to you after a wide gap.
We were close in kindergarten,
though I hated you then,
I remember we going and coming back in the same school van
When we arrived at your house,
you would be just about to put your shoes on.

And I wondered to myself "What a laid back boy you are".
Never saw you in primary school as we went separate paths.

But in high school,I met you.
I don't think it gave me much excitement to see this rascal AGAIN,
but nevertheless we were in different class.
Girls(those whom I knew) liked you,
Though I never understood that attraction about you
You were tall,and just ordinary looking
Plus you were such a rascal
I didn't see that as an attraction

Years passed by and we were in the same class
I joined the bowling club
and you were already representing school
So then you taught us the right technique to bowl
And though the first few rounds,I managed to hit the pins
The rest of the rounds the ball went rolling towards the drain

But you taught me the basics
With a lot of care
So my perspective changed about you
"How could you be a rascal in class and out here,a different person?"
This question bugged me

After SPM,we did hang out as a gang
And only then I realised that you were a different person,
Matured and wiser,
With the right advise for different situations

After more hangouts,
I realized that you accepted me for who I am

Some of the things that you say will always be carved in my heart,
Anne is the limewire of the gang la.Without you,the gang would be so boring
Funny girl...

And other stuff that you will always tell me,
But deep down inside,those words made me smile,
Those words kept me for who I am.

Since you're leaving soon already,
Couldn't cry in front of you,
As I had to hold the tears from gushing out,

I just wanna say

I am lucky to have you as a friend.
I am blessed to know you.
I love you very much.
Though it's only a year,and I know you're pretty excited to embark a new journey,
But I am sad.
Sad because you'll be so far away.

I want you to know
That I appreciate our time together.
And again,
I love you.

Here there are a number of Sarawakians and Sabahans.And every time I look at them,there is this weird sensation inside me.It reminds me of Long Lamai.And whenever I walk past them or look at them,it feels as though they've brought a part of home here.Home.And whenever I talk to them,Long Lamai would always be slipped into the conversation.

When I went for my first CF here last week,the memories came rushing through.From the way they spoke to the alkitab,and the prayer said aloud.The only thing that came to mind all the time was Long Lamai.They did this too.Their names were all very weird too.Just like home.

And a part of me,wanted to reach out to them.It was as though I knew them.I want to connect to them.Just like how connections were created freely in Long Lamai.

They don't really know me yet.They don't know that my love for them was there,because every time I looked at them,I saw home through their eyes.

Only time will tell.

His surprise!

It was this Tuesday that I felt like I needed to play the piano.So I decided to go to the music faculty after settling some errands in the library.I was excited.After like 3 weeks not hearing the piano,I felt a bit lost.

I am serious.I cannot imagine how I would be if there were no pianos here.

So,I was excited when I recalled what my friend said that  there were grand pianos in the rooms.I was overwhelmed.No words could express the joy in my heart.

So I went to the purple building,the most colourful building in the whole faculty.I went to the office and said that I wanted to use the piano.And then,one of the clerks questioned me about which faculty I was in so I boldly said the Science and Maths faculty.Plus,I was in a band for my college so I told that I wanted to practise the piano (although the real reason was to play the piano for my own pleasure).

They refused to let me play the piano.I was so disappointed and I left the office,thanking them before I left.

I walked upstairs and there I saw many rooms.On every door,were signs that were written 'Bilik Keyboard'.I tried my best to push the doors,but my weight was overpowered by the strong doors.Again,I felt disappointed.However,I kept walking and then I saw an Indian girl and another girl who were playing the piano.I knocked on the door and walked inside.

I told them the truth that I wanted to play for fun and so one of the girls told me that she would gladly let me play the piano if and only if she didn't have her piano exam that was that day itself.So I said it's okay because her piano exam was much more important.She did suggest that I go to the Bilik Penerbit Muzik to ask for permission to use the one of the piano rooms because according to her,those were the people in charge of the all the rooms there.

So I went to the Bilik Penerbit Muzik,feeling my hopes lighten again,but as soon as I went inside the room,a Malay man gave me a sceptical look.And he was the one who asked first.

"Where are you from?"

And I told the truth.

And then he said that students from other faculties were not allowed to use the instruments here as they were afraid of damage and all that.And there were 4 other men there who looked at me too,so I didn't have the urge to actually ask or argue more and left.

And then I went again to the office,feeling angry.I was angry.I mean it's really not fair that only the students here were allowed to used the instruments.I don't mind paying too of they asked me.As long as I had the feel of it.

I told the office clerk that I wanted to see the dean.But he told me that he would send his secretary first.So I waited for her and when she came,I prayed that I spoke the right words.So I told her that I came here just to play the piano and she said that I wasn't allowed to at all.I actually begged her to let me use the piano hoping that she would,but she didn't.

So I left the office feeling sad.I just don't believe it.I cried.I never felt so rejected.This was indubitably a bad bad day.

I walked through the alley and then I saw a room.There was a girl holding a violin and looking at the piano chords I guess.I walked in and told her whether I could play the piano.Well,it wasn't a grand piano,it was just an upright piano.She did let me use the piano!I felt like screaming,but I knew I couldn't.I felt the joy of my heart.So I played the piano for about half an hour or so.I was so happy.After all that I went through,this was something..I thanked the girl for allowing me to play the piano.

And I thanked God for that short opportunity I had.It made the rest of the day better.God provided that moment for me when everything seemed bleak.He knew how to turn situations and I need to know that I need to be patient and just wait.

Her

I went out with them.I felt uncomfortable and awkward.I didn't open up.I didn't pour out what was aching inside me.And they probably thought that everything was fine with me.They said they knew me.But only I knew how wrong they were.They don't know me.They don't know how my heart aches,how I feel.They have only seen me during my cheerful times.Or at least when I was trying to be cheerful.

And somehow whenever I am with them,I feel that there are so selfish.All they want is fame.They want to be famous.Money.Fame and money.Two elements that are so foreign to my body.I was with a group who wanted to be the best,to beat the rest.Little did they know that while they were on their way to be the best,they pushed everyone that blocked their path.The world was for them.Never have I hear them speak of helping the poor,or that special thing that was in them-Love.I never saw it at all.

Was it so hard to love?Have you ever thought about my feelings?Do you think you know my love language?

I thought about all that and then suddenly I thought about her.She was so far away.I need to take the flight to reach her.She was so far away.But yet she was so close to my heart that every time I think of a friend,and when I mean a friend,I mean a real definition of a friend,I think of her.In the midst of selfishness and greed,I thought of her.She was so far away.But there was this special attraction about her-her gentleness.The way she spoke to her parents with such love and respect,the way she would play with her younger brother though he is annoying.She had that special thing.

And when she came to my house a month ago,we played the piano.And she introduced me this wonderful piece.I am still working on it.And the trip to the mall.The conversations we had,was so deep.So deep that no one could reach that amount of depth.We talked about boys and I don't like talking about boys and boy-girl relationship unless if I am forced to or if it comes naturally.And in this case,it did come naturally when I spoke to her.Not even could I relate to my parents like the way I did to her.But she did it.She dived into the core of my heart.I told her my feelings,my despair that I never shared with anyone.She was of a different species.Very rare.She wasn't into fame nor money.She was so easy going that anyone could connect with her.But deep down,only I knew about her that others didn't know.It is intriguing actually,that somehow she manged to cure my heart just my me opening up the wounded parts.Maybe because she was elder,she was more matured.And I was glad that I did opened up to her.

My heart was very picky.It would scan a person first before marking them as capable friends.I am glad my heart did a good job in finding her.

I thought about her.She was so far away.She might not know this but hopefully someday when she reads it,she would know that it is about her.

Intersection

Most of the time especially during these past few months,I need to be alone.I don't need someone to actually be there for me.

All I need is myself.I need to be alone to talk to my mind.There is something in the mind that needs to be shared with me.Or incidents that has happened and it needs to be shared with me.It's a moment where the mind and the heart poured out it's inner content to me.

Those moments spent alone with the mind was as good enough as it was spending it with a friend.At times I realize I don't actually need someone to be there,I already had it.And it was in me.

I could just stare at the wall and though people would think I am a retard,but only I know that I was in deep thoughts thinking of something.And most of the time I realize that the thinking was about me and at very few times it involved around people.

It's special,that moment with the mind.It's as though my senses are all alive.My feelings would soon respond to whatever the mind has spoken.And when I was aware,I knew.I knew that the senses in my body has somehow aggravated as a result of the intersection-the intersection between the mind and the heart.

Graduation.

Today I witnessed graduation.The 15th convocation in the university.I saw the smiles that lit their faces.They wore robes,of different colours.I saw most of them with their mortarboards on.I saw bouquet of flowers everywhere.Families were there too to celebrate the occasion.They are all going to graduate.I felt happy for them.In 4 years time,hopefully I would sense the excitement.

I saw their happy faces.All happy faces.I believed those who did really well were proud of themselves.I wonder how would it be like for me.

I saw a mini orchestra,at two sides of the auditorium.Saxophones and trumpets were played once the deans gave their speech.Though it was rather loud,but seeing the perform live was just something so different and exciting..A mini orchestra performing!

And then I saw the royal highness of Perak sitting in the middle of the stage.Cameras were all directed towards her.I didn't stay until the end of the event but in my mind I had already imagined them receiving their certificates from the princess of Perak.I imagined the faces of my family,relatives and friends who would be there someday,to celebrate with me.