Remembering you

In this past few days of trying to remember the incidents that happened,replaying it all the time.I also think it's because of your bizarre personality that always kept me wondering-Who were you actually?

Some of the things that I could remember vividly in my head were how we started to make fun of each other.I remember the things you inviting me with a bunch of Malay boys who were going for a swim.That was just weird.I remember your face best of all,how your eyes were your best features-how lazy they were,how you had a very mischievous face-especially your sly smile that could make any girl fall for it.Yes,I was one of them.

The worst of it all was the syrup,I remember making it too thick without any sugar and you drank it!OMG,that was totally not cool!

I thought I heard people say that you were very naive.But through numerous observations,I knew that you were much more matured that what people think of you.You were 23,2 years older than me.Never that I thought that you were older.

I remember feeling awkward around you and that was why I started avoiding you,but then you said hi.And then you wished me good luck before I gave my speech.And then I could see you from the corner of my eye,watching me so intently I was even more scared than normal to talk!

And then,on the first day of class I was hoping to see you and you appeared!Oh gosh,I remember catching your gaze,I wished I could look left all the way but that would be weird.So I turned right and there you were,staring at me!I felt the numbness in my body,how my heart was racing,and when I waved at you,you looked straight into my eye,I remember catching your gaze until Hasma came and so I waved at him too.And then,I think we both felt awkward so you decided to joke around which I knew wasn't as natural as the previous jokes you said earlier.

Help!

Somehow,these past few days have been uncomfortable for me.Stalking and staring at you.I wonder whether you even noticed.Observing you become kind of a habit for me already,and I really would like to break this habit.It ain't cool and I am just feeling desperate,maybe.Desperate for a guy.It sucks you know,when you are just finding and searching and suddenly this guy appears.

Well,technically he didn't appear.I just happened to NOT notice him before this.But I guess the perimeter become smaller,and I found myself always near him.Eventually,I started to like him.

I have got no idea on what to do right now,but I do hope that these feelings would eventually fade off.

christmas tree blues

Christmas is coming soon. Andd somehow I wished it was like all those Christmases where I would feel so enthusiastic.

We finally have a Christmas tree!It's a much smaller one compared to the one I had a long time ago.

Back then,when I was a child,I remember being so excited decorating the Christmas tree.It was a tall one and it was always the centre of attention when visitors came over to our house.Now,Christmas trees are everywhere.Every shop that you go has got a Christmas tree and mind you,they ain't that small.

It's been so long since I had a Christmas tree at home.It feels as though the space where it had been had just disappeared.

The drama.

Somewhere along the line,there is always the need,(maybe in my case),to have a friend who can understand you.And I am thankful for that that I have one,for now.

And yes life is an acting stage sometimes,where I sometimes have to act and be fake in front of people.It's all about the drama and how you play it well.In a way,it is a good thing as it conceals a part of you to the  world.

I think I'm getting pretty good with this game now.

turning point

A turning point in Mathematics is when the function changes it's shape.Like a curve who previously curved upwards,when it reaches the turning point will curve downwards.

Right,so a turning point here means something drastic that has happened.

In my case,it was about my academics.I was a straight A student for my PMR.I was 15 that time.That was the best year I could remember in high school life.The rest of it went downhill.I didn't score straight A's for SPM.I only scored 8A's.I wonder whether I should have been happy or sad.My face was blank when I saw my results.I couldn't face my results I think.Maybe at that time,I didn't have the chance to mix around so much with the smart and brainy students in my class as I was with the worst of the worst students.They were describable,I just don't want to talk about them here.

And then despite my results,I managed to get into matriculation.That was something so valuable!But you know,my results weren't good enough.I wanted to be a dentist.To open up own dental clinic one day.I wonder why I hated Chemistry so much.I didn't like Biology very much too.So I chose Mathematics,and here I am in university.A university by choice of my very own mistakes.I must accept it.It was all because of me.

And all my other friends who had the same 7A's for PMR,are either studying for courses like medicine,law,engineering,Courses where people would highly look up to them.Mine is just the opposite.

Till now,I still don't know what my chocolate it.I hope God provides the answer for me.

Uncertainties

Maybe it's me just at times-wanting to be loved differently,
to be cared for dearly,
to be talked to incessantly,
to be understood smoothly.

I just need someone-that urge of just "Arghhhh!!!!!"
"How does it feel like to be with her/him?"

So just about a month ago,I met this friend of mine who has studies lines in the palm of one's hand.Astrology,they all say.And what he said left me speechless for quite some time-till now.

Is it possible?

A weak soul

You know these past few days have been hard for me.There were times where I didn't know what to do,times where I needed someone to talk to.There were times where loneliness surrounded me and all I wanted at that time was power.

I wanted to have the ability to speak Malay just as good as those Malay students.But the problem was Malay was my second language.English was my first.It made me feel bad in comparison with the other Malay students because the spoke well,they probably didn't have to think before they spoke because they were already familiar with words already.I on the other hand hard to think of words,I had to think hard actually.

Another hindrance was the fact that I didn't know anyone except maybe a few of the Malay boys.The rest practically knew each other because some were in the same course,and the worst part I felt was that there wasn't any non-malay there.I was the only one.Being unique does make you feel special,but at times when you are too different from the rest,you don't want to feel unique.You want to blend in with the rest eventhough you're an Indian.

The worst part is when you know you are going to have a crush on somebody.That just scares the shit of of me.It feels so weak to be easily gullible.I had that.Seriously and I was afraid,very afraid that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings.Right now,I wished I had a boyfriend,so that I had the feeling I had the best already because when you not in a relationship with the opposite sex,feelings develop and you can't control them.

But in all that I do-I hope that Christ will be there to strengthen me.All I nee is his infinite power to help a weak soul like me.