Who am I?

In the sudden epic movement of time,where stillness is somewhere at night,when everyone is fast asleep.

"Where is happiness?"

Manic week!

I can feel the pressure of the HT KAB 2015!It was a year ago that I was a only an ajk.But now,I was heading the decorations for the stage!I don't believe it.Time flies so fast.And if it was last year that I applied for the mmk,this year I would not be.

I still remember how I felt about an MMK. It never occured to me that I would have less sleep in a day,stressed,feeling out of place.But I don't have that feelings anymore.I want to be a normal student back.I remember Pui Lan telling me that being an mmk was going to be so stressful.I don't remember chatting or being close to any of my seniors.I just applied.I think the reason I got the post was because it has been years since an Indian applied for an MMK post.

I am glad that I don't have any partner also.I am glad that I was able to make any decisions without consulting another person.The next batch would be different though,very different.I can imagine myself just watching the scene of the next batch going for meetings,deciding on something,getting to know one another.I can replay the whole episode in my head because I went through all of that.Many surprising and frightening outcomes too!( People quitting their posts,a new student as the chairman,etc...)

And as for me,I can't wait to be a normal student without any post and enjoy more debate competitions and go back home more often!Oh how,I miss home.

I still remember Tuesday.Camelia wanted to see me but I somehow knew that it was regarding my faith in Christ.

This is what I learnt:

1.Try to have your quiet time
2.Try reading the bible though it can be so hard to understand the hidden meanings
3.Try your best to come to church every Sunday.
4.Rely on God-you know you will be burnt out just figuring everything on your own.You need God's power to help you go through.

Thank God for his ever-loving trait that helps you go through the day!

TGIF

It's Fridayyyyyyy!Yeah man,plus no debate class.I wonder how many times Mr Sasi would be cancelling the class.So anyway,I was so positive that I was going to get the money for the activity that would be held on Sunday.

I remember crying today.I remember the responds from the office-how sarcastic they were.At 3 when I went again to the office,there was a solution-Encik Raizol gave his RM400 and I used my own RM200.Tadaaa!Program settled.So we went to the town of Tanjung Malim and bought all the  items!Yayaaaaaaa!Finally

And at night,I went for youth fellowship!It was a pot bless.What I remember the most was the awesome fellowship and just talking to Camellia.She said she must see me next week for a lunch reunion kinda thing.Something surprising-SHE APPLIED FOR ISEP!Oh Wow.That is just so deep man.There were so many things playing on my head-What about Grace Youth Fellowship?What about the youths?Am I able to commit for church in sem5?

It's that moment-the capacity where I can't take it anymore.
Went to the office with hopes that I can get the money,but when I went there,there were just looks on their faces.Do I look like I care?

Broke down.am still breaking.

Broken

And today,was the worst of all.I can actually feel my body breaking,the stress,the pressure.Have I done my best?The programme will be on SUNDAY!I can't help but to feel rejected at some points in life,I can't help but to feel how bad a leader I am.Maybe being  follower is easy.I chose the harder path.


Oh Lord,heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds.I seem completely normal outside,I have to be normal to everyone and it breaks my heart God,that deep inside I am completely bruised.Maybe I shouldn't be such a hero sometimes.

Oh lord,just heal me.

It's time I start on a everyday journal kinda thing to keep my memories alive whenever I read my journal!

This whole week seemed a bit hectic.Probably because my programme is on Sunday and they are still unfinished workload that the committee members are still working on.Class was cancelled today so yeah I went to the clinic to get my cough medicine and only when I was about to reach the bus station,I remembered my fungal infection on my face!Oh man,that was kinda disappointing.

I met Maddie on the bus and we talked all the way from the new campus to the old campus.She told me that she and the rest would be heading to Langkawi this weekend.They will leave on Thursday night.Kinda missing them though,it's been a week since I last met them.I kinda miss the private kinda getaway from the rest of the students.International students had a block to themselves!Only the first floor is filled with students.The rest of the floors are just vacant.It's creepy sometimes but oh well,I think they are already used to it.

My mind was buzzing with a lot of racial issues.Like,why are there so  many cliques of the same race in this university?It's probably the language barrier and of course the different cultural circumstances.Sad sometimes.Even I have to admit that sometimes I prefer hanging out with Indians than Chinese and Malays just because everybody was doing so.It's really kinda annoying sometimes.

The best friend.

I don't know how I could be able to remember what aunty Christine told me last night.I remember feeling tipsy after drinking 3 glasses of beer,my first time ever trying beer.

Anyway what she told me left me quite perturbed.She told how she and uncle Daniel were best friends for 5 years,and he is still her best friend.Of course,she added that there were things about him that is still annoying to her.There were things that Sarah didn't about her,unlike uncle Daniel.

She told how they were best friends and during that 5 years,she knew the friendship was something more than just best friends.So,she broke the relationship.When she broke the relationship,he sent her flowers,and chocolates and everything nice,Even when she broke up with him,she was still jealous that other guys managed to weave their way to uncle Daniel.She knew at that time,that she really liked him too.

They have been married for 25 years now,and he is still her best friend.She told me that for each individual,their paths of meeting varies.I agreed.There were some who fell in love at first sight,they were some who became best friends first(like hers),and there were others who fell in love through arranged marriages.

"It comes in the least expected moment.Don't search for it,you would never find it.It would come unexpectedly."

Many times,I wanted to get a picture of the guy I would marry someday.That was so impossible,I am just desperate,you know it.

And for now,I am just going to not think about finding a guy,I am probably still incapable of that.

Keep calm,follow the flow

I've learnt something new-Just keep calm.Sometimes it is best to keep quiet than to simply spurt out whatever that comes to your mind.

Remembering you

In this past few days of trying to remember the incidents that happened,replaying it all the time.I also think it's because of your bizarre personality that always kept me wondering-Who were you actually?

Some of the things that I could remember vividly in my head were how we started to make fun of each other.I remember the things you inviting me with a bunch of Malay boys who were going for a swim.That was just weird.I remember your face best of all,how your eyes were your best features-how lazy they were,how you had a very mischievous face-especially your sly smile that could make any girl fall for it.Yes,I was one of them.

The worst of it all was the syrup,I remember making it too thick without any sugar and you drank it!OMG,that was totally not cool!

I thought I heard people say that you were very naive.But through numerous observations,I knew that you were much more matured that what people think of you.You were 23,2 years older than me.Never that I thought that you were older.

I remember feeling awkward around you and that was why I started avoiding you,but then you said hi.And then you wished me good luck before I gave my speech.And then I could see you from the corner of my eye,watching me so intently I was even more scared than normal to talk!

And then,on the first day of class I was hoping to see you and you appeared!Oh gosh,I remember catching your gaze,I wished I could look left all the way but that would be weird.So I turned right and there you were,staring at me!I felt the numbness in my body,how my heart was racing,and when I waved at you,you looked straight into my eye,I remember catching your gaze until Hasma came and so I waved at him too.And then,I think we both felt awkward so you decided to joke around which I knew wasn't as natural as the previous jokes you said earlier.

Help!

Somehow,these past few days have been uncomfortable for me.Stalking and staring at you.I wonder whether you even noticed.Observing you become kind of a habit for me already,and I really would like to break this habit.It ain't cool and I am just feeling desperate,maybe.Desperate for a guy.It sucks you know,when you are just finding and searching and suddenly this guy appears.

Well,technically he didn't appear.I just happened to NOT notice him before this.But I guess the perimeter become smaller,and I found myself always near him.Eventually,I started to like him.

I have got no idea on what to do right now,but I do hope that these feelings would eventually fade off.

christmas tree blues

Christmas is coming soon. Andd somehow I wished it was like all those Christmases where I would feel so enthusiastic.

We finally have a Christmas tree!It's a much smaller one compared to the one I had a long time ago.

Back then,when I was a child,I remember being so excited decorating the Christmas tree.It was a tall one and it was always the centre of attention when visitors came over to our house.Now,Christmas trees are everywhere.Every shop that you go has got a Christmas tree and mind you,they ain't that small.

It's been so long since I had a Christmas tree at home.It feels as though the space where it had been had just disappeared.

The drama.

Somewhere along the line,there is always the need,(maybe in my case),to have a friend who can understand you.And I am thankful for that that I have one,for now.

And yes life is an acting stage sometimes,where I sometimes have to act and be fake in front of people.It's all about the drama and how you play it well.In a way,it is a good thing as it conceals a part of you to the  world.

I think I'm getting pretty good with this game now.

turning point

A turning point in Mathematics is when the function changes it's shape.Like a curve who previously curved upwards,when it reaches the turning point will curve downwards.

Right,so a turning point here means something drastic that has happened.

In my case,it was about my academics.I was a straight A student for my PMR.I was 15 that time.That was the best year I could remember in high school life.The rest of it went downhill.I didn't score straight A's for SPM.I only scored 8A's.I wonder whether I should have been happy or sad.My face was blank when I saw my results.I couldn't face my results I think.Maybe at that time,I didn't have the chance to mix around so much with the smart and brainy students in my class as I was with the worst of the worst students.They were describable,I just don't want to talk about them here.

And then despite my results,I managed to get into matriculation.That was something so valuable!But you know,my results weren't good enough.I wanted to be a dentist.To open up own dental clinic one day.I wonder why I hated Chemistry so much.I didn't like Biology very much too.So I chose Mathematics,and here I am in university.A university by choice of my very own mistakes.I must accept it.It was all because of me.

And all my other friends who had the same 7A's for PMR,are either studying for courses like medicine,law,engineering,Courses where people would highly look up to them.Mine is just the opposite.

Till now,I still don't know what my chocolate it.I hope God provides the answer for me.

Uncertainties

Maybe it's me just at times-wanting to be loved differently,
to be cared for dearly,
to be talked to incessantly,
to be understood smoothly.

I just need someone-that urge of just "Arghhhh!!!!!"
"How does it feel like to be with her/him?"

So just about a month ago,I met this friend of mine who has studies lines in the palm of one's hand.Astrology,they all say.And what he said left me speechless for quite some time-till now.

Is it possible?

A weak soul

You know these past few days have been hard for me.There were times where I didn't know what to do,times where I needed someone to talk to.There were times where loneliness surrounded me and all I wanted at that time was power.

I wanted to have the ability to speak Malay just as good as those Malay students.But the problem was Malay was my second language.English was my first.It made me feel bad in comparison with the other Malay students because the spoke well,they probably didn't have to think before they spoke because they were already familiar with words already.I on the other hand hard to think of words,I had to think hard actually.

Another hindrance was the fact that I didn't know anyone except maybe a few of the Malay boys.The rest practically knew each other because some were in the same course,and the worst part I felt was that there wasn't any non-malay there.I was the only one.Being unique does make you feel special,but at times when you are too different from the rest,you don't want to feel unique.You want to blend in with the rest eventhough you're an Indian.

The worst part is when you know you are going to have a crush on somebody.That just scares the shit of of me.It feels so weak to be easily gullible.I had that.Seriously and I was afraid,very afraid that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings.Right now,I wished I had a boyfriend,so that I had the feeling I had the best already because when you not in a relationship with the opposite sex,feelings develop and you can't control them.

But in all that I do-I hope that Christ will be there to strengthen me.All I nee is his infinite power to help a weak soul like me.

Flashback happens every now and then.Everytime I see something,memories of the past come back.

But some of the good things that I remember vivdly are the Disney movies;just enjoying watching Disney movies a long time ago and imagining what it would be like to find Prince Charming.

I don't know why but those were one of the greatest memories I had;remembering each scene,just chilling and watching all the movies that I could watch in Disney Channel with the brother.I still remember those days,where I would bath before 7.30 pm so that I could watch the movies.I would try to not miss any of the movies.

But now,as I watch these movies,the excitement suddenly seems to fade away.Maybe because I am in a really awkward position right now in life.

And then I wonder,will there be a fairy tale moment in my life?

Baking!

If I could tell you about this week,I would say it in a word.Baking!

Yes,believe me.Pictures will be posted soon but how it all happened,well blame it on the book!Jodi Picoult has been one of my favourite author ever since I read her book,it was a Christmas present a long time ago.So during this holidays,I read the book again.There is something familiar in her books that I've read.Not that I've read all her books,only 2 but here is the thing that is very obvious in her storyline.

The way she describes a baker and her pastries.There was also many recipes that were in the novel too.Mostly recipes that would need a lot of handwork such as kneading,and folding.Then there would be a lot of descriptions on the way the baker bakes,and how the baker is so passionate about baking.

Let me write down an excerpt from her book 'The Storyteller'.

Baking,for me,is a form of meditation.I get pleasure out of slicing up the voluminious mass of dough,eyeballing it to just the right amount of killos on a scale for a perfect artisan loaf.I love how the snake of a baguette quivers beneath my palm as I roll it out.I love the sigh that a risen loaf makes when I first punch it down.

Though I don't know what an artisan loaf is.I just simply love the way she writes about all these pastries.

So I decided to venture in the kitchen and start with cakes.Reason being,cakes are easier to bake as compared to pastries(where the dough has to made,and it ain't easy).So I got the recipes from an online website and started baking.In this week,I baked 4 cakes already.

I baked a chocolate cake,butter cake,carrot cake with creamy cheese frosting and today I made a banana cake with chocolate frosting.It was good,according to my mum.All cakes were rated 8-9 out of a scale of 10.There are still some ingredients in the kitchen.So I am still deciding whether I should bake a lemon cake or not.

Today I went to Tesco,the nearest supermarket to get sour cream for the banana cake.I stopped for a while in the confectionery to buy a Danish chicken pizza.The best part was actually the pastry.It had the crunchy feeling and it was moist.It was good.So I asked the lady at the counter an she said that all the pastries were made in the kitchen.I could only peep through the slightly opened door to see trays.

Next holidays,I hope I can make the pastries that are for selling just like the ones in King's Confectionery.That would be one of my goals for the coming semester break holidays.

Level 5

Today I received a very not so good news that made me fall off my bed.

Here it is.

I will be staying in the fifth floor for the next semester.Level 5.I know,I know.The feeling of just dying from walking.So here it is,I am staying in the fifth floor.Last semester I was on the third floor.I thought it was bad at first.But I got so used to the third floor that if I had to visit a friend who was on the second floor,felt so fast,because my legs were so used to climbing to the 3rd floor.

This time,I would probably reach the third floor and then sigh and say "Well,you've not reached yet."This is an alternate room shift system which means that those who were staying in the 1st,2nd or 3rd floor would stay in the 4th and 5th floor the following semester.Basically,this system allows equality for all,so that everyone is allowed to stay in different levels.

Ok fine,fine,since this system is fair and square,I shall not compare with those staying in the first three floors.But I am still complaining to myself.So as they all say,whenever there is a problem,there is always a solution.So here's what I am going to do:

1.I would learn how to cook in a rice cooker or eat Oats everyday because I can't afford to go down to level 1 to buy dinner and carry it all the way up to the 5th floor.Hence I will learn how to cook.

2.I must learn to bring everything and do a checklist every time I leave my apartment.This is to ensure that I don't tire myself walking to the 5th floor again just in case I forgot to bring anything.

3.Walk fast.I need to as fast as those who are staying in the third floor.This is so that I get used to walking fast so that I don't need to stop halfway.Just keep walking,walking.

4.Stop complaining,I get to burn my calories.

It's been a while since I wrote.There were a lot of things coming to my mind,and wanting me to write.At times,I wonder whether I should since people would be reading this.

There is a time for everything,and I am in the phase of having fun,doing things I love.But this phase would be over in no time,just a matter of days actually.I got to spend time with my guitar which is my new obsession for me.There is more that I ought to learn too,but here is the best part of it.I am able to sing a song and for as long as I am with my guitar or my piano,I am able to drift away to this phase of tranquillity and unconsciousness.It's different when you are watching a movie or reading a book,because fiction books that I've read always brings back a glimpse of my memory on something particular.Movies are the same too.They bring back flashbacks or something similar that you have gone through too.

Semester 2 ,which is a few days from today.Darn it's so close.I don't feel so excited.Because I know that it is going to be harder than semester 1.I don't know whether I'll be able to go back frequently also because I have youth meetings on Saturdays and the practises as I can foresee,are going to be intense.Then there is debate which is going to be entirely different since that it would be the British Parliamentary format,and there are tons to read up too.If you don't know your facts,well you'll end up crapping which is ain't cool because you don't get to filter what comes out from your mouth;you're waiting for anything that comes out.

Life with Math is definetely not easy.Grateful that I did well in semester 1.Don't know whether I am able to perform just as well as I did in semester 1.Then there are thoughts of competitons and the amount of stress.I love Math but I am wondering;Do I know Math?No,there are still formulas that ought to be friends with,there are still equations that might not like me.If you don;t know Math well,how are you going to love it?

There are so many fears man.Gosh I sound like an old lady.Just so stressed just thinking about it.

When I saw my mentor after church last Sunday,she told me this "Just believe in yourself".

I am believing in myself,but the problem is ;Can I believe in the world?

No,I can't after much pondering.This world is nothing but competitions after another.The best part of this holiday is that I am able to get rid of that word for a while.For a while.