christmas tree blues

Christmas is coming soon. Andd somehow I wished it was like all those Christmases where I would feel so enthusiastic.

We finally have a Christmas tree!It's a much smaller one compared to the one I had a long time ago.

Back then,when I was a child,I remember being so excited decorating the Christmas tree.It was a tall one and it was always the centre of attention when visitors came over to our house.Now,Christmas trees are everywhere.Every shop that you go has got a Christmas tree and mind you,they ain't that small.

It's been so long since I had a Christmas tree at home.It feels as though the space where it had been had just disappeared.

The drama.

Somewhere along the line,there is always the need,(maybe in my case),to have a friend who can understand you.And I am thankful for that that I have one,for now.

And yes life is an acting stage sometimes,where I sometimes have to act and be fake in front of people.It's all about the drama and how you play it well.In a way,it is a good thing as it conceals a part of you to the  world.

I think I'm getting pretty good with this game now.

turning point

A turning point in Mathematics is when the function changes it's shape.Like a curve who previously curved upwards,when it reaches the turning point will curve downwards.

Right,so a turning point here means something drastic that has happened.

In my case,it was about my academics.I was a straight A student for my PMR.I was 15 that time.That was the best year I could remember in high school life.The rest of it went downhill.I didn't score straight A's for SPM.I only scored 8A's.I wonder whether I should have been happy or sad.My face was blank when I saw my results.I couldn't face my results I think.Maybe at that time,I didn't have the chance to mix around so much with the smart and brainy students in my class as I was with the worst of the worst students.They were describable,I just don't want to talk about them here.

And then despite my results,I managed to get into matriculation.That was something so valuable!But you know,my results weren't good enough.I wanted to be a dentist.To open up own dental clinic one day.I wonder why I hated Chemistry so much.I didn't like Biology very much too.So I chose Mathematics,and here I am in university.A university by choice of my very own mistakes.I must accept it.It was all because of me.

And all my other friends who had the same 7A's for PMR,are either studying for courses like medicine,law,engineering,Courses where people would highly look up to them.Mine is just the opposite.

Till now,I still don't know what my chocolate it.I hope God provides the answer for me.

Uncertainties

Maybe it's me just at times-wanting to be loved differently,
to be cared for dearly,
to be talked to incessantly,
to be understood smoothly.

I just need someone-that urge of just "Arghhhh!!!!!"
"How does it feel like to be with her/him?"

So just about a month ago,I met this friend of mine who has studies lines in the palm of one's hand.Astrology,they all say.And what he said left me speechless for quite some time-till now.

Is it possible?

A weak soul

You know these past few days have been hard for me.There were times where I didn't know what to do,times where I needed someone to talk to.There were times where loneliness surrounded me and all I wanted at that time was power.

I wanted to have the ability to speak Malay just as good as those Malay students.But the problem was Malay was my second language.English was my first.It made me feel bad in comparison with the other Malay students because the spoke well,they probably didn't have to think before they spoke because they were already familiar with words already.I on the other hand hard to think of words,I had to think hard actually.

Another hindrance was the fact that I didn't know anyone except maybe a few of the Malay boys.The rest practically knew each other because some were in the same course,and the worst part I felt was that there wasn't any non-malay there.I was the only one.Being unique does make you feel special,but at times when you are too different from the rest,you don't want to feel unique.You want to blend in with the rest eventhough you're an Indian.

The worst part is when you know you are going to have a crush on somebody.That just scares the shit of of me.It feels so weak to be easily gullible.I had that.Seriously and I was afraid,very afraid that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings.Right now,I wished I had a boyfriend,so that I had the feeling I had the best already because when you not in a relationship with the opposite sex,feelings develop and you can't control them.

But in all that I do-I hope that Christ will be there to strengthen me.All I nee is his infinite power to help a weak soul like me.

Flashback happens every now and then.Everytime I see something,memories of the past come back.

But some of the good things that I remember vivdly are the Disney movies;just enjoying watching Disney movies a long time ago and imagining what it would be like to find Prince Charming.

I don't know why but those were one of the greatest memories I had;remembering each scene,just chilling and watching all the movies that I could watch in Disney Channel with the brother.I still remember those days,where I would bath before 7.30 pm so that I could watch the movies.I would try to not miss any of the movies.

But now,as I watch these movies,the excitement suddenly seems to fade away.Maybe because I am in a really awkward position right now in life.

And then I wonder,will there be a fairy tale moment in my life?

Baking!

If I could tell you about this week,I would say it in a word.Baking!

Yes,believe me.Pictures will be posted soon but how it all happened,well blame it on the book!Jodi Picoult has been one of my favourite author ever since I read her book,it was a Christmas present a long time ago.So during this holidays,I read the book again.There is something familiar in her books that I've read.Not that I've read all her books,only 2 but here is the thing that is very obvious in her storyline.

The way she describes a baker and her pastries.There was also many recipes that were in the novel too.Mostly recipes that would need a lot of handwork such as kneading,and folding.Then there would be a lot of descriptions on the way the baker bakes,and how the baker is so passionate about baking.

Let me write down an excerpt from her book 'The Storyteller'.

Baking,for me,is a form of meditation.I get pleasure out of slicing up the voluminious mass of dough,eyeballing it to just the right amount of killos on a scale for a perfect artisan loaf.I love how the snake of a baguette quivers beneath my palm as I roll it out.I love the sigh that a risen loaf makes when I first punch it down.

Though I don't know what an artisan loaf is.I just simply love the way she writes about all these pastries.

So I decided to venture in the kitchen and start with cakes.Reason being,cakes are easier to bake as compared to pastries(where the dough has to made,and it ain't easy).So I got the recipes from an online website and started baking.In this week,I baked 4 cakes already.

I baked a chocolate cake,butter cake,carrot cake with creamy cheese frosting and today I made a banana cake with chocolate frosting.It was good,according to my mum.All cakes were rated 8-9 out of a scale of 10.There are still some ingredients in the kitchen.So I am still deciding whether I should bake a lemon cake or not.

Today I went to Tesco,the nearest supermarket to get sour cream for the banana cake.I stopped for a while in the confectionery to buy a Danish chicken pizza.The best part was actually the pastry.It had the crunchy feeling and it was moist.It was good.So I asked the lady at the counter an she said that all the pastries were made in the kitchen.I could only peep through the slightly opened door to see trays.

Next holidays,I hope I can make the pastries that are for selling just like the ones in King's Confectionery.That would be one of my goals for the coming semester break holidays.

Level 5

Today I received a very not so good news that made me fall off my bed.

Here it is.

I will be staying in the fifth floor for the next semester.Level 5.I know,I know.The feeling of just dying from walking.So here it is,I am staying in the fifth floor.Last semester I was on the third floor.I thought it was bad at first.But I got so used to the third floor that if I had to visit a friend who was on the second floor,felt so fast,because my legs were so used to climbing to the 3rd floor.

This time,I would probably reach the third floor and then sigh and say "Well,you've not reached yet."This is an alternate room shift system which means that those who were staying in the 1st,2nd or 3rd floor would stay in the 4th and 5th floor the following semester.Basically,this system allows equality for all,so that everyone is allowed to stay in different levels.

Ok fine,fine,since this system is fair and square,I shall not compare with those staying in the first three floors.But I am still complaining to myself.So as they all say,whenever there is a problem,there is always a solution.So here's what I am going to do:

1.I would learn how to cook in a rice cooker or eat Oats everyday because I can't afford to go down to level 1 to buy dinner and carry it all the way up to the 5th floor.Hence I will learn how to cook.

2.I must learn to bring everything and do a checklist every time I leave my apartment.This is to ensure that I don't tire myself walking to the 5th floor again just in case I forgot to bring anything.

3.Walk fast.I need to as fast as those who are staying in the third floor.This is so that I get used to walking fast so that I don't need to stop halfway.Just keep walking,walking.

4.Stop complaining,I get to burn my calories.

It's been a while since I wrote.There were a lot of things coming to my mind,and wanting me to write.At times,I wonder whether I should since people would be reading this.

There is a time for everything,and I am in the phase of having fun,doing things I love.But this phase would be over in no time,just a matter of days actually.I got to spend time with my guitar which is my new obsession for me.There is more that I ought to learn too,but here is the best part of it.I am able to sing a song and for as long as I am with my guitar or my piano,I am able to drift away to this phase of tranquillity and unconsciousness.It's different when you are watching a movie or reading a book,because fiction books that I've read always brings back a glimpse of my memory on something particular.Movies are the same too.They bring back flashbacks or something similar that you have gone through too.

Semester 2 ,which is a few days from today.Darn it's so close.I don't feel so excited.Because I know that it is going to be harder than semester 1.I don't know whether I'll be able to go back frequently also because I have youth meetings on Saturdays and the practises as I can foresee,are going to be intense.Then there is debate which is going to be entirely different since that it would be the British Parliamentary format,and there are tons to read up too.If you don't know your facts,well you'll end up crapping which is ain't cool because you don't get to filter what comes out from your mouth;you're waiting for anything that comes out.

Life with Math is definetely not easy.Grateful that I did well in semester 1.Don't know whether I am able to perform just as well as I did in semester 1.Then there are thoughts of competitons and the amount of stress.I love Math but I am wondering;Do I know Math?No,there are still formulas that ought to be friends with,there are still equations that might not like me.If you don;t know Math well,how are you going to love it?

There are so many fears man.Gosh I sound like an old lady.Just so stressed just thinking about it.

When I saw my mentor after church last Sunday,she told me this "Just believe in yourself".

I am believing in myself,but the problem is ;Can I believe in the world?

No,I can't after much pondering.This world is nothing but competitions after another.The best part of this holiday is that I am able to get rid of that word for a while.For a while.

The lucky one?

In the morning , I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.I felt so lucky because this aunty who is a friend of my mum's gave me a lot of hand-me-down clothes.And I was so delighted because the clothes are all fairly new,some of which she hardly wore,as they were all hiding in the cupboard of hers.So I went back and checked some of the clothes out and there was this dress that looks like a Ceongsam,except that it is not a Cheongsam.

So I was trying out the clothes,she did give me some formal clothes so that I could wear them for university too.And then,she gave me this beautiful dress,it had a floral design.The dress looks like a British maiden dress.It was like one of those dresses where you wore for an English tea party.

And I decided at once that I need to wear it for tonight's dinner in my house.I looked lovely of course,all the guests were complimenting me.I think it was because of the dress.It was a perfect fit for me,and it was a long dress.

The night went well with the arrival of the guests and then it came to dinnertime,where we were all chatting.And I had a debate with uncle Peter,the Sweeden guy regarding fussiness and food.And I gave arguments that were not supporting my stance,and so he said "You've got your facts mixed up,you don't know the obvious and the non-obvious".Nobody was on my side,I think after they listened to uncle Peter reason out things,they were scared to be on the losing side which was my side.And though I gave my points,in the ultimate end I knew that he won the argument,and even he smiled and  said "I think so too".

There was another uncle too,and he was giving hypothetical situations,(I won't mention in detail here),but I was basically questioning him,and arguing before he could finish his sentence.Oops,it's a habit of mine.

And then he said to me,"You're very receptive,and you're very intelligent".And then he said "You'll go far in life".

And I was quiet for that moment,for I thought of my life,how I came up to this point in my life?

Did he actually know what I was going through?

For a while,I felt lucky.Because not many people will tell that you're intelligent,not that I want self praise from others,but it gives you this really good feeling.But that feeling soon disappeared as only I knew how much I deserve that compliment.

No,he didn't know what I was going through,and if he knew about me,I doubt that he would say the same thing again.

I've been thinking about friends lately.My friends,and how I perceived what a friend is.

It's hard to accept that some good friends are so far away from you.And when you meet up with them,time passes by so fast,it's almost the end of any reunion!

Yes,good friends are very far away from you,and I mean in terms of distance.

And all those who live so near me,are all what I say 'okay-okay' friends only.But really,it is surprising,those who are so close to me are so far away.Those who are near,are just ordinary friends(the lepaking friends I say).

That is all what I have to stay.Oh yes and a good friend whom I met in university,she lives in Penang(that is so far away).

It's been a while since I've written.

This question arised as I read Fortune's Rocks by Anita Shreve.The plot revolves around a young girl who falls in love with a much older man,his age almost similar to her father's age.It was Olympia's beauty that made Haskell's desire hunger for it.She is beautiful as the author describes it.Terrifying.But I kept thinking about it.In the book,it was Haskell who made his first approach to Olympia.He stared at her during dinnertime,and it was a penetrating gaze as Shreve describes.

I reread the book a few times,so much so that I know the storyline.So much so that when I look at things or situation,I would relate it with this book.Because of this knowledge,I believed in fear that such a thing could happen to me.

Fear because I am already 20,an adult,I dare not say a young lady because a young lady could be a teenager.I am a woman,I can't even say young woman any more.Young has already been used too many times before.

This fear developed after the first incident that I encountered in my young life (back then).Well,maybe last year that I was talking to this guy who is 25 years old.And then he said those words that seemed perfectly normal to him,but to me it wasn't."You're very beautiful".And it was serious,not in a joking way.

It was then that this fear was real.I never encountered something like that before.It was so straight forward and yet so piercing?

And yet it was like in Fortune's Rocks where Haskell told her about her beauty:that made him desire her.

Scary I think.For a moment,I could only think of this world as mad.Yes,a mad mad world.How is it possible to read a book,indulge in it,and suddenly it is all real.It's happening,not like the exact same way but in an almost similar manner.

It's disturbing.When you read a book,and when you are so in love with the book,it becomes a part of you.And it happens so sudden,that for a moment,the only thing that came to my mind was

"OMG,tell me this is not true".