Dear God...

Dear God,

Thank you for creating me,

thank you for loving me,

I never liked myself before,

I compared myself to other people,

But then You made me for who I am,

I am unique and special in my own way,

Even if anything happens,

I know you'll be there for me.

I look at the trees outside,

I look at the sea,

I force myself to look at the sun

I see you radiating your love

Like a bright torchlight illuminating some dark alley.

If I were to commit suicide,

Oh how foolish I'll be,

The world would miss me,

But most importantly

I would never have tasted and felt You.

People say You don't exist,

I say 'They are all  fools".

Shouldn't there be a creator for the sun,

the moon and the stars?

Could a human being possibly just evolved into earth 

just like that?

You created the heavens and the earth

You created me in your likeness.

Thank You for creating me,

I wonder how long it would have been

to mould be into a young girl I am today,

I look at myself at the mirror

and I am mesmerised for my features

and for who I am.

You created the best in me.

Thank You God.

For everything and seeing me through 2012.

I am the Indian girl.

So it was the time of the year where my family and I celebrated the festival of lights.The last I wore a Lengga during Diwali was when I was a kid (about 7 or 8).I would usually wear a top and a my one and only pair of jeans.This year,however was completely different for me.The night before Diwali,I told my mum I wanted to buy a Lengga.The Lengga is the short top (usually Lenggas have sequins and designs) and along skirt.\

I never liked wearing Punjabi Suits either.Punjabi Suits are more commonly used than Lengga because it's easier to walk.

Insert are pictures of Lengga.

The Lengga that I wore to my grandma's house was a pink one.When I entered the flats,my aunties and uncles were surprised.

"Wah,so pretty la you Savitha (my Tamil name)!,"my aunt exclaimed.My uncles and cousins were equally surprised.And then when I looked around I realised that I was the ONLY one that wore a traditional Indian costume.

Well,I'm back home now and I thought about the Lengga.I realised that traditional Indian costumes are so richly designed (sequins and the embroidery) .These are all my traditional costume.It depicts who I am.I am an Indian and I am proud of it.I am proud of the Tamil language (though I am not fluent at all).But I am learning.Indeed each race has its own identity and it's up to you to unleash the beauty of it!

A pic of me wearing my lengga next to my cousin bro.

There are times where I get depressed and sad.There are times where I need someone to talk to.Sometimes,friends are kinda disappointing.The only person whom I can turn to is God-the Big Man up there.

And then I wish that Jesus was in his human form.I would run to him and embrace him and spend the whole day just talking to him.I would tell him "I love you,I love you".I picture myself talking to him,telling him about my ups and downs.I imagine him holding me and hugging me.That ideal picture is so vivid in my memory.

The reason I like to be alone sometimes is so that I can talk to Him.But I'm in my home now.Want to go wandering around in this neighbourhood?I peep through my window,see the cars lining up bumper to bumper.Drivers honking their cars from all direction.Maybe not.

No,the best place would be the beach.I need to hear the sound of the waves.I need to feel my legs sinking in the sand.I want to lay down and tell God everything.Of course I can do it here,in my bedroom or in the back room.But it's nothing like nature,so richly created in the palms of his hands.

I need the beach!!

A view of the beach in Port Dickson

What's life without taking a risk?

My mum used to teach in a boarding school in Seremban (Kolej Tunku Kurshiah).I remember asking her a few questions about the students there and all.She told my dad and me this

"There was one class whom I thought.The students there were all bright and they all took risks."

For a moment,I wondered what kind of risk they took as students.And then my mum further explained that they were the bold ones-they entered all sorts of competition and they were all very adventurous" .

So here I am in KMM (Kolej Matrikulasi Melaka),thinking about how to get my co-curricular marks.Since I came in late,there was no way I could represent KMM in running.Danggg!There goes my hopes,flushed down.

And then my co-curricular teacher entered our class and he told us this
"Sesiapa yang ingin menubuhkan apa-apa persatuan,mesti mendapat sekurang-kurangnya 30 orang" .And then I remembered that all the other clubs had enough members.Some societies were even full.

This is it,I told myself.I will start a club.How?

So I went to the English Unit,and saw this Indian teacher.I told her that I wanted to start an English Club.She agreed to be the teacher advisor while the head advisor was Miss Brenda atfer speaking to the Head of English Department.

But the most important thing was the numbers.How was I going to get 30 people?

So Nala and I went aroung sticking colour papers all around the blocks.We even gave an announcement.

Big Man up there heard my pleas,and soon after that,girls came to my room and started signing up for the club.Well,there are 50 people now!Woah!Thats a lot!

Thank you Lord.You heard me.I was delighted over the number of students who signed up(though there are only um,10 boys).

And now,I have to think about all the activities to be carried out during semester 2!Ahhhh!!!

The sound of music......

The sound of the piano lingers in her mind.She is waiting to get back to her piano.She can't wait.

And then she sees it.It's not a grand piano,like the those in the an orchestra.It's the old ancient one.Still there,still untouched since she last played it.She wondered if anyone played it since she left.

She sees the black cloth covering all the keys as she lifts up the lid.She takes off the black cloth,surprised to see the keys all clean,there was no room for dust there.There are some old manuscripts on the top of the piano.She doesn't need the books or the manuscripts.

Then she sits down and takes a deep breath.She imagines herself to be in an orchestra.People are watching her.It's her turn now.Then she plays her favourite song.At times,she would play the notes softer and at times louder,depending on her mood.The piano is how she expresses her her emotions.The old ancient piano and her,in the small room.

She plays the piano flawlessly.She does not look at the keys all the time.She misses this.The sound of music.Only the piano knows how she feels.Her soul longs for it.Longing for that sound produced by her hands.She needs that sound for it satisfies her soul.It's like a connection.She's connected to it.Connected through music.

Shocked

It was a Tuesday night,I still remember when I had the biggest shock of my life.My mum was holding a letter in her hand and my dad was beside her.She showed me the letter and i reread the letter a few times.This is not real.I was torn apart.I felt like I could not breathe and everything was not clear except these few words Tawaran mengikuti Program Matrikulasi Satu Tahun di Kedah.So since my mind just shut down a.k.a I didn't know how to think straight,I posted it on Facebook as my status.But I didn't reveal that I got the offer.I was like "Why Kedah?So far far away."I couldnt' sleep properly.My poor mind was spinning.It felt terrible.

I went to school the next day half heartedly.I am going to leave this school and no soul here knows about it.This is my last day.Do something.Tell everyone about it!

Noooooooooo.Mind,stop messing with me.I just can't!!

Then,as we were lining up for assembly,Mr Malai,the teacher in charge for the Form 6 students,came up to me.I was shocked.

"So,did you get any offer anywhere?"
"Yup,matriculation in Kedah".
"Why are you not in Kedah.You're suppose to register today".

The thing is,my mum was going to call the people in charge to see whether I could get a nearer place.Anyway,it was the girl guides meeting.And I needed to tell someone about it.So I told Amrit.And then she told me that there is alot of catching up to do in matriculation and it's like a pressure cooker in there(her friend who got into matriculation told her this).And then,i wanted to call my mum.So i got permission to call my mum.But the thing is,she has not called anyone yet about the transfer.

And then I made up my mind.I was going to Kedah.So I spoke to Amrit about it and then Joyce and Jia Wearn overheard the conversation,so they were all shocked.Then,Joyce was like "It's not easy to go into matriculation.You have to be mentally and spiritually ready".And I was like,I'm not ready to go.My heart is in this school.I live here.I belong here.

You are going to leave.You are going to sacrifice the one you love.How do you feel?I am dying.Help me!!

I love St Paul's.I love everything about it.I miss my friends.I miss my teachers.

What if I don't get the same love in Kedah I found here??

Sooner or later,my classmate found out.They were all shocked.

"You're leaving?No"
"Anne,why you going?Stay here la"
"Don't go la"

"Gish will have no one to debate with during Muet lessons anymore" .Pn.Sharmini said after I told her the breaking news.

Gishhhhhhh,how I miss you too!!Though you're the noisiest in the class,but I still miss debating with you.

Then,my assistant monitor saw my class teacher during recess time and told her about it.
Sam told me that Pn.Fadzalah was so sad.In my mind,I was like thanks la Sam.

I couldn't concentrate after recess time.My mind was elsewhere.My Biology teacher thought I got a headache or what.I rushed to the bathroom after that because I was going to cry.

Noooooo.This is not happening.

I love this school so much.I love everyone here.This is where I belong.How to leave the one that you love?

Then,I told my other teachers about it.And they said it was a good opportunity.I saw my debate teacher,and she was "Sedihnya,Perdana Menteri saya sudah tiada lagi".

Before I went for netball practice,Sin Yee and Zhi Xi gave me a card.Awww,I felt like I was going to break down already.

It was a sad moment.My friends in the netball team also knew bout it.It was my last netball game.That just sucks!

Other friends from other classes also knew about it.They were also shocked.I waved my last goodbye to my friends when I left the school.I looked behind to capture every single thing I could about St.Pauls.It was the place I had fallen in love with in just barely two months.

For the first time.I felt what it was like to leave something that you love very much.

A day to be remembered........

It's been a while since I spent time with Su Ee.Plus,she would be leaving to India soon to do her degree in dentistry.So,we decided to spend Thursday morning together in Jusco.We watched Step Up Revolution and I was so amazed at the dance stunts.Especially the part where Emily goes into the museum and all of a sudden the dancers come out and start dancing.My jaw dropped.That was such a brilliant idea.Maybe I should do that sometime too and give everyone a surprise!Hahahah!!After watching Step Up,I realised a few things.

I love dancing.Not because of Step Up 4.But because it's an art.I want to learn how to Salsa.But the only problem is,I need a guy.Haha!

And the thing is there are many people out there who can dance and who want to take dancing as a career.If you really love something,then it should be your career.But what if I love to dance,shouldn't I take up dancing?If I really enjoy it?

I wasn't so hungry after the movie so I was thinking about Sushi King.Apparently,Su Ee was craving for sushi just as much!So,we headed to Sushi King.Well,to be honest if it wasn't my friend who introduced me to Sushi King,I would not have tried it at all!So yeah,I thank my friend.And in this whole year,I have not been to Sushi King.So,I was also longing for it in a way too.

Luckily there were two empty seats right in front of us.So we rushed and got the two seats.But when I went there,I scanned the restaurant and I realised I was the only Indian there.Su Ee asked me to try salmon and I should have known that it was raw,so when I tried it,my taste buds immediately sent off a repulsion.I DON'T LIKE RAW FOOD!!!However,Su Ee was enjoying every bit of it!We ate a lot.Most of our dishes were the ones in red (which means it was RM5 per plate).The bill came up to RM46!!!

We talked about lots of stuff in Sushi King.Especially about a life partner and in the Christian context.It was good to hear from Su Ee's side of the story too.And then she told me about the 4 types of personality and I was blank.I only knew about the DISC test.This personality is different from the DISC one.

http://www.bethjones.net/articles/the-4-types-of-personality/

Then,we walked around and there were so many new shops!It must have been a while since I went to Jusco.We found a bench nearby and started talking about stuff.Basically,about friends and that sort of thing.

It was a good day.I enjoyed my time with Su Ee.Man,I'm gonna miss her!!!!!

This and that..

School's going to start in like a few days time.I don't want to count the days because the thought of seeing the number of days left is appalling.The idea of going back to school suddenly reminds me of my hectic life in form 5 when I was so busy juggling between school,tuition classes and co-curricular activities.The thought of going through the same thing again is somehow arduous.A lot of things are running on my mind now.Not pleasant ones,for sure.



I will be missing my holidays too.It's not like there won't be other holidays soon.But it still would be different because you still have to study during the school holidays.There won't be late wake ups anymore.How I miss waking up late and when I'm still feeling tired,I'll just turn off the alarm clock,and bump my head into the bed again.



I would also miss burying myself in novels.I am still wondering whether I'll be able to finish Echoes of Silence by Chuah Guat Eng.A wonderful book,so captivating that I spent the whole night and early hours of the morning to read it.It's not like I won't be able to read AT ALL when school starts.It's just that there would be less time spent on them.And fiction books have somehow become my company over the last two months.



From being so laid back,soon,I'll be rushing for time.Not sure whether I'll have enough time or not to STUDY.I know I sound like a pessimist,but hey wouldn't you be feeling the same too?Since I'm going back to school again,I roughly figured out my time table,and there's so much to take in.I am not sure whether I'll be able to digest that time table of mine in my mind.It's like shoving a horse down your throat.Ah,terrible!



I'm not sure whether I'll have time for my favourite TV shows.Now,I'm not a television addict.I would only watch certain TV episodes.My all time favourite is American Idol and Junior Masterchef.Occasionally too,I would browse through the channels(that's if I'm really bored) and watch a movie.Nothing gets better with a snack and being engrossed into the Idiot box.



Recently,I've started blogging and it was so addictive!There's so much to write,share and read.So hopefully my busy schedule would STILL allow me to spend time with you.Spending time with you has enabled me to write down my thoughts and polishing it up.I hope that despite having a busy schedule,I'll have time for you.



Hopefully,I wont miss all these things that I have mentioned.Maybe,school won't be as bad as I thought.Maybe.Just maybe.

Guilty,no?

So,you're from a rich family.
Your parents have a big mansion.
There are a few maids looking after the house.
Your dad has a few luxurious cars at home-Lamborghini,Ferrari.

Your father is a director of this huge multi-million dollar company.He is ageing and the next person in line to take over the company is you.You decide to take over the company.You're happy because you don't have to work so hard to own a company.It's was already in your hands a long time ago.

However,wouldn't you be guilty?I mean it's not like you WANTED to own this business as badly as your dad did.Let's just say your dad started from scratch and all he wanted in life was to own a big company.Wouldn't you be feeling guilty that he started from small unlike you-who just got a fortune just like that?.

Of course if your dad chose you,it means that he knows you're capable of handling the company.Or on the other hand,he died suddenly and there was no one else EXCEPT you.So you took over the business,doing exceptionally well as your father.Will  guiltiness cause you to work even harder to think of other ways to expand your dad's multi million dollar company?Or would you EVEN feel guilty in the first place?

Now,you never had any other goals in life because you knew you you were going to take over the business ONE FINE DAY.

I don't know.But I do know that I will feel as though I did not contribute to the success of my dad's company.After all,I didn't anyway.It was all my dad's effort.If guiltiness really bothered me,then I will either :

a.Expand the business further and make it known worldwide so that I would have made a contribution to the company.

b.I wouldn't care less about what other people thought of me.After all,maybe it was meant that I had to take over the company.

You know what?Maybe I'll just combine the two options.

But then again......


Taking over a big company is not so easy as there are always risks such as economic crisis,embezzlement among your workers and other possibilities and so on.So your dad didn't actually leave you a fortune.In fact he wanted you to keep the fortune going amidst all the tribulation in life which some,he might not tell you and some may not have happened during his time but could possibly happen when you run the big company.Feeling pressured eh?

  

The honest answer

One day as my mum and I were looking for this particular shop in the shopping mall but we couldn't find it.We then asked a lady in a nearby shop and she hesitated and gave us directions to the shop.Well,she gave us the WRONG directions by the way.Now,she would have felt like NOT telling I don't know.Isn't it better to just say I don't know or to let us-customers being directed to the wrong place?To be honest there are a lot of people who are like this woman in the shopping mall.What so wrong in saying "I don't know"?

Another scenario happens all the time to most of  us.Most people would ask"So,what do you want to be when you grow up?".

"Lawyer"
"Doctor"
"Aeronautical engineer"

Well,these are all what my friends will answer you when you ask them.Not mine,however.I still don't know what I want to be.So,when I tell people that I don't know,some of them give me this disapproving look.Others will give me this how-can-you-not-know look?Well,I'm sorry I don't know what I want to be.I just don't want to say "Oh,I want to be a dentist".And then they'll ask further."So,are you planning to open up a clinic later on your own or join the government?".And then you just stare at them dumbfounded.And then if you're not sure and you tell them you want to be a dentist but later on you decide to take up medicine,they'll ask you "So,I thought you ALWAYS wanted to be a dentist"?.Even though they only asked you once.Ha,you should have said you didn't know right ?

The thing is is if we don't know certain things like I just mentioned or other things,the "I don't know answer" is the most honest answer.It doesn't matter if people assume that you are not not confident or not smart,you know that at these point in your lives,you really didn't know the answer........right?

Much more.....

 

Have you ever had friends who complained because they have got nothing to do at home?Have you encountered that situation before?I'm sure you would have felt bored  before.The thing is,we often say that we are bored because we can't find anything INTERESTING to do at home.Most teenagers prefer hanging out with their friends or posting statuses in Facebook.The thing is there is so much that you can do at home apart from all these.


Let's just sat you are alone at home.Your parents are at work.You don't have a driving license.Not only that,you don't have Astro.What are you going to do?Nothing.The thing is you can actually do something and at the same time spend your time wisely.Maybe you don't like reading.Have you thought about trying it?Maybe,maybe not.Try reading the newspaper.There is so much information and knowledge that you can gain.If you like watching movies,then read articles on Star 2 on movie reviews.If you like gadgets and technology,read the Star Bytes.See,there is so much to read about in the newspaper.If you don't like facts,then grab one of your favourite books and spend the whole day reading.


Have you tried cooking before?Maybe not.If you are alone at home,cooking might not be a good idea as it can be dangerous specially when there is no one at home.If your dad or mom is home,ask them for permission to cook first before doing anything.Try simple dishes such as fried noodles,omelet and so on.This basic cooking skills are vital especially when you're at college or university.Some people prefer to watch how a particular dish is done then to read it step by step.Then I suggest you to search in Youtube as it has a myriad of choices on how different meals are prepared.


Make something.Try drawing,or painting.It doesn't have to be fantastic.Try drawing a flower maybe.And then if it still looks dull,add some colour to it.You can use colour pencils,crayons or even water colour.Never mind if your painting gets ruined,you can always try again.


You look around your house.Books being shoved in the cabinet,clothes piled up in the laundry basket,rubbish bin overflowed with rubbish.Help clean and tidy up your house.Some of you'll might be grumbling "Hey,I have a maid at home.She can do everything".I know.But there's no harm in helping.If you don't like anyone coming to your room,then I suggest you to start cleaning your own room and to keep it tidy.

If you like music,then go and listen to songs in Youtube.If you have musical instruments at home,then learn how to play them.You can also learn how to play from tutorials in Youtube.There are websites which also give out free music scores and some that allows you to receive it once you have paid using your credit card.If you like dancing and you want to know certain steps,search it up again in Youtube.I remember once I was obsessed with Michael Jackson and I badly wanted to learn the Smooth Criminal dance moves.I searched in Youtube and I was impressed with one of the tutorials as step by step of the Smooth Criminal steps was shown.

These are some of the things that would be helpful for you,hopefully.Now,aren't there more than just Facebook and hanging out with your friends?

But then again.......

Time passes by fast.Very fast.Faster than a blink of an eye.Whilst most of my friends are in college and some WILL be going to college,I'll be going to form 6.Form 6 is also a pre-university programme but it is harder than A-levels.Recently,the ministry of education made some changes to the STPM format.This is because STPM is a very challenging examination and only a number of students are able to score STRAIGHT A's.


Yes,thats how hard it is.Therefore,the ministry of education made a few changes.STPM will now follow the modular system,which is based into 3 semesters.Previously STPM was a one and a half year programme where you study and at the end of it sit for one exam only. The old STPM format was like the A-levels programme.However,the new STPM format will be a continuous asessment throughout form 6 which will include coursework too.


According to my mom's friend who is also a teacher in St.Paul' s(the school that I'll be going),she said that there will be either exams or coursework every 2 weeks.She also said that most of the teachers were complaining as they had more work to do.2 WEEKS????????I know,i know.So when I heard that,I almost jumped off the bed.Noooooooo!!A few weeks ago,the newspaper stated that some of the students had MIXED FEELINGS OVER NEW STPM FORMAT.


Some said that they were excited to start Form 6 as they will be the first batch to be sitting for the new STPM and hence it would be easier to score.That is what everyone says when a new format of a particular subject is introduced.On the contrary,some still doubted over the new system as they were not sure whether the outcome of this new system will produce more STRAIGHT SCORERS.Others said that they don't prefer coursework and assesments but rather exams only.


School's starting next Tuesday.I don't know who my classmates are and i don't know how good the teachers are too.I think i forgot to mention that my mum knows the whole of Seremban.Hence,don't you think she'll know some of the teachers in St.Paul's.Well,she certainly does and I'll be watched.Like a guard dog guarding the master's house..So I guess my idea of being far away from the people my mom knows didn't work.After all,I'll still be in Seremban anyway.


Some of my friends who I have spoken to said that STPM is tough.It is true actually.Don't be surprised because it used to be the third toughest exam in the whole world.With this new sememster,I'm not so sure.They all said that Chemistry is tough.My heart sank when I heard that.You would have guessed.Yeah,Chemistry is my favourite subject and when I heard this,well it was always lingering on my mind.Even right now.But then again,there were those who scored STRAIGHT A'S.


One of the reasons that I'm happy or to be precise,less worried is  that I don't have to choose what to wear,and what NOT to wear.Which means I don't have to buy blouses,skirts,jeans and the list goes on.And,i don't have to wear my old pinafore anymore.I never liked it.Special pinafores will be tailored for us.Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!


Basically thise who sit for STPM will go to the local government universities such as UPM,UM,UKM,USM and so on.However,countries like Singapore,UK,and other countries do recruit students in their universities as it is recognised worldwide.Well,to be honest,I never wanted to enter a local government university.However the universities such as UPM are also good and people usually get the wrong idea that just because it is a Malaysian university,it is not worth going.I am not sure which university I plan to go,local or private and I haven't made up my mind on what I want to major in later in life.Ahhhhhhh,there's always time.


Well I guess that's pretty much what I have in mind and know about STPM.I'll write more when school starts and when I have more interesting stories to write about form 6.Somehow the idea of going back to school is similar,and yet different in every way.