Leaving.

I will be leaving tomorrow.Tomorrow.I seem a bit unprepared to face the reality of it.
Back to the assignments and well,square one.
It feels like it's the start of August.Like I just came back.
I remember that day when well my room seemed so different but it was the same room.

I looked at the tall coconut tree at the corner of the garden.This was the coconut tree that had seen me grow since I was a child.As I locked my gaze at it,I wonder whether he would still remember me when I was younger.

They have just left.The house is so much quieter.When will out next gathering be?
And now as I look at my bedroom,I see emptiness.An uninhabited room for quite a while maybe.

I wonder how Thava would be feeling the day before he would leave for the UK.I wonder whether he would feel the exact amount of confusion and nervousness or whether it would be more severe.I don't know.

I didn't feel the excitement as I looked at my pink dress that I would be wearing tomorrow for the party.Because in just a few hours time I would be leaving already.

I need God's comfort at this point to assure me.I need his strength or else I might just collapse.

Today's gift.

Time has been racing.Really.In another few days time,I would already be in university.I just want to keep my expectations really low this time.

We are all leaving already.Suthan who would be already sailing for a year.A year is really long.Thava who would be in the UK already.Though he can be really annoying some times,I would still miss him.Miss his madness.Miss his advises.One year.And we'll reunite again.

I still remember early this year how we said we would all meet up in August.August seemed to be like a promising month when we made plans early this year.A month of togetherness.But it's going to be over in no time already.Noooooo.

So the only promise we made was to meet up next year.Next year.I still don't know the right month for next year though but the thought that's on my mind right now-LEAVING.Everybody's leaving already.Towards their career.Towards their goal.

Time has been really fast this time.It's the end of August already.September was just around the corner.Sometimes,I wonder whether is it me or time has been speeding.Maybe it's just me.

Today is a gift.Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery.
If you were to make a mistake,move on.Close the chapter and began a new chapter.There is  nothing else you can do.

I still remember the words a long time ago.And yesterday the words illuminated again.Reminding me again,maybe.

I can't hold the future in my hands though at times I wish I knew.Only God knows.
I will make the best of everyday.

And as for today,I know that I would enjoy tonight with them.That would be my gift for today.

Flashback.

There are times where I really need to be alone.Being in a crowd is nice for a while.Only a while.I often find myself being too claustrophobic,too congested.I need my space.I need to breathe.

But I find myself longing to be alone.I don't know but there is just the need to.

I think because I need some time to be on my own.I need to reflect on myself.

Today as I took the train back alone,I drifted away.It was so peaceful.I didn't have to talk to anybody.I just stared outside at the old shabby wooden houses and the field.

I felt a twinge of sadness as the memories came back.

The field that we would pass everytime we went for our usual bath.
The house we stayed.
The jungle....
The jokes.

I don't believe it.I still remember how the first week passed by so slowly and then time began racing.It was over.Over.

I don't know whether I would get over it.I don't know.

Today when I watched Percy Jackson-the Sea of Monsters,there was a part of the movie where Percy was alone and he talked to his dad-Poseidon who is a God,the God of the Sea.

I need to talk to God for some time to give me answers to things that I am still searching.I need to be with Him.Only He can give me the answers to my questions.

Chocolate break

When I went to the fridge today,I was shocked to see an odd flavour of the Kit-Kat chocolate bar-green tea.It wasn't that nice to me too.I preferred the original flavour-chocolate.

When I came back 3 months ago,all my eyes longed for was the chocolates,wrapped up in the purple wrapper.Cadbury chocolate.My gold.

I could eat it the whole day.If I was given a bar of Cadbury chocolates,I would devour it straight away.I didn't like to keep it as long as possible.It gave me the satisfaction when I was angry or depressed.

Cadbury.Cadbury.

It was a name I chanted to myself as I walked into the kitchen,towards the fridge hoping for it to be there.Waiting for me.

My wish was granted.I opened the freezer,my heart racing and there it was-Cadbury Delight.So it wasn't the original Cadbury chocolate bar but it was good too,it still had the Cadbury chocolate taste,Cadbury delight was slightly different as it wasn't pure chocolate but with a variety of nuts.It was good too.I think some aunty brought it over from overseas or something.

A  month later,I received a box of Belgium chocolates.
A month ago,I received a box of chocolates too.Roses were their names.All wrapped up like sweets with their different ingredients in the box.Some had mint,some were just plain chocolates.They were all wrapped up nicely with different colours.So pretty.

A week ago,I saw the green tea flavoured Kit-Kat chocolates.Still in the fridge.I only ate one bar of it.

It's not that nice.

I opened the fridge but all I saw was the pathetic green tea chocolate bar still in the fridge.And I knew that it would be a very long time that I'll get another bar of good chocolates.Maybe Christmas.
It was a sign to me,I realized.The end of good chocolates for a while.

And I thought again,I knew the sign-The end of my holiday.

Church blues.

Today I felt really sad especially after church service.Next week at this time,I would already be in Tanjung Malim.I don't know when will I see them next.I took photographs with them.I had to fight the urge to not cry.I will definitely miss them.

I do hope to come back asap to meet them.

Attached

It feels weird-the attachment.I still remember them.During the first week,and I was like 'How on earth am I going to ever connect with them??'.I could hear myself saying Impossible all the time whenever I looked at them.

After a month,the moment I'm online and there they are with their warm greetings.Those words-'I miss you'.

You remember me and deep down inside I know that you love me.

I just want to say that I'll always remember them.Always.Still finding it hard to accept the fact that they miss you.Wanting to know you.Those questions.And deep down,I was happy.I created that bond.

I wished I believed everything that had just happened.And those words.

I just want to let you know that I love you all very much.
Very much.

Photo editor

In the Twilight series,the second book New Moon focuses on Bella and how deals with life without Edward.At one point,he dad did ask her 'Are you ok, Bella?'.She was lifeless.She was found in the jungle the day Edward disappeared,and it was Jacob's clan that found her.She never did hang out with her friends because the only person she ever did hang out was Edward and he wasn't there,never talked to anyone.But when she did go out with her friend Jessica on one fine evening,she started imagining that Edward was around.Like she was hallucinating or something.And she heard Edward's voice buzzing in her ear all the time.She kept dreaming about him. She was also depressed.She was like an uncharged hand phone.Lifeless.

Returning home from Long Lamai reminded me a bit of Bella.But I wasn't as bad as her,I think.I dreamt of Long Lamai (the people.the kids and the peacefulness).Each day will go through,but it I never failed thinking about this magical place.I was depressed.I cried every time I looked at the pictures.I am sad.I related the things I did here to the things I did there.No similarity anyhow,but at least it probed the memories.

When I was young,I remembered wanting to have a house in the forest,with the meadows and the hills.Where you could lay in the hays and gaze at the stars.I have always wanted that.

I guess I got what I wanted.I wonder whether I earnestly wanted it at that point of time.I think I really did.And I guess God might have taken note of this wish that I wanted and decided to edit the place,the people to another place.Like a photo editor,where you are able to edit the the background,the color and you could even add captions on the photo.

God brought me to Long Lamai to meet some wonderful bunch of people.He didn't show me meadows and a cottage,but he showed me the jungle,the river and another type of people-the Penans who touched my heart in some weird way.God the photo editor did grant my wish.And best of all,I know that this people will always be treasured,and loved and will always be seen like a photograph saved in the computer.They were my photograph.And I wonder whether God would edit my imaginations into different ones.I hoped so because sometimes a little bit of editing on a photograph seems way better than an original photograph.

The Search

I realized I have been really depressed this past few days.Being in Long Lamai clearly helped me to push away my fears,and disappointments.I was prepared for Long Lamai,but I wasn't prepared to face life after Long Lamai.I just didn't want to.Maybe it was my fault.Plain ignorance.

The Search begins in the forest,where I am frantically searching for that flower.Where is it?My mind is racing.I need to find it.Only then,will I not be worried.But for now,all I see are weeds.Weeds,in the forest?How could there be weeds in this forest???I am always ducking my head when I see those trees with branches.And those branches are filled with thorns.I have to be very careful.Or else I would be pricked.But I need to hurry too.

I am going through The Search.Actually,I have been going through it for a long time.I still can't find that flower.I don't know what color it is.I don't know whether it has a fragrant.But I do know that I am searching for it.

And for now,all I know is that I have to keep finding,and finding...

Crumpled

I just hate that feeling when you're so excited about something,an event or what,and only much alter will you realize how screwed it was.How the tears are going to burst and you're just resisting that urge to not let the tear come out.And here you are so excited about it,but it backfires.Today was just terrible.And I just hate it when somebody puts you down.And I feel so down,down....

And today especially,I was really down especially when I am with a certain bunch of friends.And then I thought.Was it my fault?They didn't do anything wrong.But I knew I let them down.So badly.I could see from their expression.That was why I lied and said I had something on.But instead,I had nothing on so I had lunch on my own.

I cried when I reached home.I wish I had a really close friend.I wish I had this one and only friend.

I realize I wanted friends because I wanted to feel belonged.to feel loved.But not everyone could give you that kind of love.And I wonder how long would I have to wait.

Long Lamai,Day 2-Kids.

I really slept well.I will be going for church service today.I wonder how would it be like.I still remember as guests we had to sit in the second row.Then,the stares came.I remember a man who kept staring at me and I named him'Scary Man'.We all had to stand in front and all the villagers would shake hands with us.Cool,so cool.If they had it in our church service,I think church service would end before the preacher starts his sermon.A man who looked like he was in his thirties gave his sermon and Alvin turned to me and said "Tamen is father while,tinen is mother''.

After church service,we went back home.There was a little girl,maybe about 6 or 7 who was in the house.Later I found out that her name was Mikail.So all of us-Theresa,Daniel,Alvin and myself were in the living room.Kids started coming into the house.There was another kid and her name-Hidayah.There was also an old lady in the kitchen and her name-Aunty Connie.Pastor's mother.And Hidayah was her granddaughter.There was another girl too.She was always alone.She had tears in her eyes.And I approached her,and she just ignored me.Alvin then said that she has always been like that all the time everytime Alvin comes to Long Lamai for the past few years.The odd one out.Suddenly,she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bench outside the house.Startled.I think everyone was.

However,she managed to join us and sort of get comfortable with us.Her name-Isah or Esah.I don't know.We had lunch shortly afterthat.I still remember not having an enormous apetite.Alvin was shocked,I wasn't surprised.Maybe I was just not used to the food here.Later that afternoon,Alvin asked Hidayah and Mikail whether we could go to the Bukit Doa.And the kids agreed.So we went hiking.And on the way,I touched some plant that had little white thorns from a small plant.And my whole palm was almost filled with it.I didn't realised it until I saw my hands.And they were all really small.So Theresa,Dan and Alvin were all helping to take out the white stuff from my palm.And afterthat,there were two woods to walk on as there were mud.

So I bravely took a jump to avoid the mud,but unfortunately  I ended up stepping on the mud.Not very cool.

The mud in brown and the two woods in dark brown.

However we didn't find the Bukit Doa as the two little girls were also lost and so we didn't go there.Mikail told me once we were back in pastor's house to come to her house for a while before going to the river.So I agreed and went to her house.And then I saw a man in the house and I assumed it was her father.He did look very familiar.And then I say Mikail's mother and I was surprised.This was the aunty who had come to pastor's house yesterday to cook for us.She smiled and me and then I was served water afterthat.Kinda awkward too.All of them were watching an English movie and there was this young guy who looked like he was in his twenties and a girl who looked like she was 15 or so.And Mikail then sat next to her dad and we all watched that English movie.Still awkward.Then,I excused myself and Mikail followed me back to the river.Then she said this.It was her first time seeing an Indian.They have only seen Indians on the televison.

Ok,shocked again.And I told myself this-More shocks on the way.You gotta be ready!And then we went to the river.The rest were already there.So I saw Theresa washing her clothes by the river and I followed.Mikail who was just too kind offered to wash my crocs in the river.Theresa found a brilliant way to wash clothes without using a brush.She used a smooth,oval stone and it did work actually.The stains eventually came off.

More kids came to pastor's house that night.There were more boys though.And then I saw her.A cute little girl.Ohhhhh man!So cute that the only thing I wanted to do was to carry her.And so I did.I carried her.And she willingly came to me.There was also a little boy who had a very spiky,hairstyle.He did look cute though.His name-Presley.When I heard his name,I was quite amused to find such a unique name.

Then at night,we went for church service also.I turned around and noticed that they were hardly any youths there.

When we went back home,the four of us had a conversation about the place,the kids and the people there.Then suddenly,we started talking about boy-girl relationship.And I guess when you start such conversations,it's quite hard to stop talking and discussing about it.So,we talked about stuff  and Daniel slept early but the 3 of us were just talking on that subject and only at 1 we slept.